unbelievable

So it’s already been seven months since I stepped back into the daily grind of my current office job and not only that, I’ve survived that whole time in a bank, another bank!!! I honestly thought that when I left my previous employer, having wanted extended annual leave which to me meant freedom, sunshine and adventure... but instead finding myself retrenched, that I would never, ever, go back to ‘that’ ghastly corporate life again. 

It was very clear to me. This life wasn’t for me. I hated having to wear a suit every day. I hated wearing black stilettos. The day I was told that I wasn’t needed anymore will forever be a turning point for me - I remember staring at that ceiling in my studio in Roslyn Gardens around lunchtime having caught a cab home from work, uncontrollably sobbing and trying to convince myself that I was relieved and that that part of my life had ended forever! and that this was for sure the best thing that had ever happened to me. I remember my partner at the time telling me that this was exactly what I wanted and that he couldn’t understand why I was crying... for me at that moment, it meant that he didn’t understand me, or else he simply couldn’t or didn’t want to console me. I felt so distant, so far away from him, from that point onwards that the relationship could not be salvaged. In truth, I feel he wanted to move away long before this. He didn’t want to take on anymore of my emotional baggage having taken on a good four years or more of it by that stage. I felt like shit. 

I had no job and no partner. Worse than that, I had no interests. This made me sad the most. My parents said I should look for a job, any job. So I did. I worked at various cafes which all smelt great but bored me a great deal. I worked as a freelance casting agent for a while and a photographer’s assistant. I spent a lot of time op shopping. I spent a lot of time blogging. Although I can’t read this blog anymore. I also window shopped a lot. I took lots of walks around parks alone and sometimes went bike riding with my friends. We were the Kyoto Kites! I spent a good year of my life looking around for other things I could do. 

I started (and am about to complete) a Masters in Digital Communications. I kind of found out when I was searching my insides that there was really nothing that interested me enough. Even my degree was at times dry. Some aspects were fascinating but I just couldn’t see how I might find a job in it (I am still trying to figure this out... now I understand what they mean when they say that Arts degrees don’t help you get a job). I had devoted so much time to becoming smart at school and getting the right job and staying fit and looking pretty and cool, that I had forgotten about learning to live - developing interests and passions. When I told people I was taking a break to rethink what I wanted to do, they always seemed to ask me what it was that I liked? This always made me so very miserable. I hated my life and was absorbed in this sort of self hatred spiral. 

Over time, I began to try to like my own life. I was lucky enough to live with a very generous and tolerant flatmate at the time. She always had good advice, was never judging and is just a really beautiful incredible woman! Yes, you Tori! I’m a talented Ruminator. I can ruminate for weeks. Years! Yet, I was constantly micro managing my own life to the minute. Seems like a paradox. I worried constantly about turning 25 and later 26. I was worried about my unemployment and my savings running out which it eventually did (which is why I’m working again). I was worried about my lack of interest in pretty much everything. This was concerning. I felt like I was loitering through time. 

The idea of days drifting away means so much more to me these days. It is such a vivid image, because my days and months did completely drift passed. I learnt that people will judge you and roll their eyes at you and manipulate you. I found myself hanging around people I’d never choose to hang out with now. Some were truly scum of the earth and I allowed them to milk me and fuck me and take me for a ride. I now realise that this was the same attitude I had at work. That I allowed people to use and manipulate me. I was a willing participant. I feel like I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t know what I wanted and so I allowed those around me who had a clear idea of what they wanted to dominate me, all the time. I am so angry about this. I am angry at myself for not being strong and tougher, for not having more courage, or foresight. If I was unhappy at work, I’d bitch to my partner so that when I got to work the next day, I’d be fine and then the 24 hour cycle would commence again. So here I am today, seven months later, writing like I know it all. I clearly don’t, otherwise I wouldn’t be back in a profession that I am sure I claimed more than 30 times to complete despise, from the bottom of my heart. 

What has changed? I used to not care about money. Now I do care about it. After finishing university, it had all come so easily. I didn't want a house or car. I rented in the city and spent freely. The only thing I really lacked was time. I needed more time to do all the things I wanted. Then one day, I lost my job and I had ALL the time in the world. I had 20 months of TIME to do anything I wanted. These days, I do care about money, only because I appreciate it's value a bit more. I still have illogical spending habits though...

I'm a bit less idealistic and I like to think I am stronger in the mind and my heart feels more real, if that means anything. I have been seeing a 5 elements acupuncturist for over 4 months now, pretty much EVERY Tuesday evening. Besides the out flow of funds which isn't insignificant, the experience is pretty much the most positive thing I've given myself in the last long long time. In reality, my acupuncturist is a therapist. He is a psycho therapist and I tell him everything about me. What gives me the shits and how I am feeling. At the beginning I couldn't actually explain how I was feeling. Today I can. I know that I am frequently angry and that it is okay to be angry. I am allowed to show anger. And I don't have to be ashamed of it.

Tired. Bed. Night.