love

Well I thought that all my writing about my job was unfair and unbalanced... it isn't a complete reflection of my life. While my work at times seems all consuming (and definitely pointless), my boyfriend at the moment is ravishing (can you describe a boy as ravishing?) and beautiful and being heavily co-dependent, has become the centre of my world. I know this is dangerous and not helpful and probably very harmful. I feel like I devote everything I have to this person, because I want to feel either completely amazing or completely down in the dumps, like a crack addict slumped on the side of the street ... so that when I look around I can be sure there is no one to soften my fall. I like the extremes and when in love, I am a complete devotee.

We have definitely moved past the honeymoon stage. We have fights sometimes. Loud and angry ones. They are good. And they seem to make us closer. I love sleeping with him in his bed. I miss him on my nights alone. Although I get to write when he's not around, and I also get to do the small menial things like pluck my eyebrows and try on ALL my clothes to see how they look with my one new purchase... room complete mayhem like I have been thoroughly burgled.

I don't consider myself wanting to get married and have children. I feel like that is a long way off, if I am to be honest with myself. Despite feeling very loved, I don't feel like he will ask me to marry him. And I'm sure he wouldn't be okay with my being pregnant, seeing as I've had to swallow the morning after pill twice on two separate occasions. He is happy because I am now on the regular contraceptive pill. I guess being on the pill makes me sad. It means that he doesn't want to have a child with me. Even though I am not ready, it reduces my self esteem a little. Could it really be much lower? Are these crazy thoughts?