exposing too much

I feel scared and don't really want to go home. I like the idea that I don't have to be in touch and I don't have to be responsible to someone. I'm crying at the fucking airport because it's something I don't want to deal with. All I want is to be secure and loved. Is that why so many of us pack up and try something else? I know for super certain I am not alone. The desire for more and better keeps us here, right?! I am happy most days but then I wonder what else and more is there? Joy is "in" people they say. Currently finding it in diazapam and with Charles. I guess i know better but am too lazy to feed reality. Flight leaves Bangkok in an hour.