tedium

I emailed this to a few people. I wasn't going to post it. I'm hungover and not thinking straight so I am going to post it now. Wise.

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I got bored and didn't want to read anymore so I typed instead. I want to/would post this to my blog but I can't. You'll understand if you can be bothered to read it. It's okay, if you don't want to read it. I understand. It's tedious. x Ella

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untitled

I've had an interesting twelve months. After breaking up with my job which I hated, and boyfriend who I loved, I’m a bit wiser and probably more jaded. I’ve behaved recklessly and lived a bit more without taking life so seriously. It’s been nice to getting to know myself a bit better.

Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can be unsure whether you are attracted to someone or not. You can kiss without being intoxicated for an eternity, while fully clothed on your bed and still feel uncertain about whether you actually like them or whether this is just a time/entertainment filler. You enjoy their company and like it when they hold you even though deep down you don’t expect it to amount to much.

Sometimes you are 'sure' you are really attracted to someone, you sleep together and they are lovely and affectionate towards you. You feel and think that their body likes yours but their words hurt. They tell you that they’ve been recently hurt and that they don’t want anything more. You think they are pretty special (and stupidly still do) and wish they wouldn’t be so nonchalent following it all. You feel a bit cheated and slightly wounded but happy to know that you only lusted over this guy for a little while. Weirdly, you feel alive and re-invigorated by the experience and would do it again if someone similar came along.

And then other times, you are surprised by their actions. You've secretly liked them for a year or two and were sure they had never thought about you like that before. You know that nothing can come of it so you settle for the occasional sleep over and this lasts for months and months. They are a friend. The sex is memorable and you like them. It’s comfortable and easy. You know that for as long as they are still around, you aren’t really being pushed to find someone more serious because they serve a certain purpose, and serve that purpose pretty damn well.

On the odd occasion, there is that old friend who you have wondered what the sex would be like and you try it out and you realise he isn’t for you. It was fun and it made you feel young but you can definitely live without. 'Not again' you tell yourself.

Then, there are the crushes. Crushes that you come across in life and wish it could be something more but time and circumstance (and probably the effort) make it unlikely. You stay friends and perhaps one day your paths will cross again.

That is all.