Refocussing blog

Today I read that writing is a form of meditation. I agree. And I think I read that it is okay to write for yourself.

It sometimes seems that when you have more time on your hands, you are able to properly notice and really feel the point in time where you start moving (falling) into a lower, some would say more level, state of being.

Today started okay. Now I'm a bit down. I was about to say that "Mondays makes me sad" but I probably shouldn't lay all the blame on a day of the week. Today, I'm reminded (remembered?) that I am unemployed. It's shit. I don't actually know what type of job I want. This was a strange epiphany.

I'm no closer to finding out what I want to do with my life. I think I should get a square job that pays. Some days I can block out my shrinking bank balance. Other days, like today, it makes me feel heavy.

Maybe searching for this thing (I don't even know what it is... something I am passionate about? something ideal? the perfect job? project? life?) is pointless. Maybe this is why people don't look for it, because it's too hard to find. Maybe it would be easier to take an average job and spend my time convincing myself that I do like the job and that I like the life that it allows me to have and that this is really what I want to do with my time. Can you make the life that you have, the life that you want?

I read this blog post today. It reminded me of my mum and the shit I have put her through. I was thinking how horrible it would be to put so much effort into a child like me, and see them give it all the middle finger. Then, I found this email from back in 2007 when my mum had to give me a "character reference". Do not ask me about it. I have never seen someone so disappointed in me before. I felt really guilty about it then and feel guilty about it now, just thinking about it. (I have a better than average ability to block out selected memories. Is that an oxymoron?) Then she came through with this for me. I don't even think I read it properly at the time. (English is my mum's second language.)

"To whom it may concern,
I am writing as a character reference for my daughter, Ella [deleted]. Ella is a high achiever and possesses many talents and capabilities. She is bright and has strong potentials for being a very distinguished person in whatever she undertakes. She often displays a cheerful and pleasant disposition. She gets along well with others. She has good intentions to do all the right things and [deleted]. She is loved very much by those close to her. Ostensibly, she is such a strong, energetic and amicable person. In meeting all these stresses of living up to all others’ and her own standards, she has tried to display that she is invincible. She is also trying out her boundaries and limits. However, she is just not mature enough to realize her weaknesses, the frailty of life’s decisions and has to learn the consequences of her actions. She does not like rejection and so she does not reject others. To be accepted, she had unknowingly mixed in with the wrong crowd and made a mistake. She will have to continue to work on refining her strengths positively and grow in realistic character traits. She is changeable and is willing to change. She can make a great contribution to the society. She could excel beyond normal expectations. She would like a second chance for a fresh start."

... and that is why my mum is amazing even though sometimes I feel so distant. And weirdly, in this time of searching my inner (what-the-fuck-should-I-do-with-my-life) self, this reference actually gives me some hope and I note that she has said that I "can" make a contribution... that I could still waste this life but I also might not.

And so more with this heavy blog post... there has been a lot of death this year. Personally, I have yet to experience it. I don't know what to say when I'm told about someone's death. I usually say, "Are you okay?" My current housemate suggested I ask them, what they liked or admired in the person that died? I don't mind that idea. For me, it is only a matter of time before someone close to me dies. Morbid. We all have it waiting for us. Famous people have died this year. A friend's mum died and another friend's grandfather died. A person jumped out of window, I think, trying to kill himself. Is everyone's death of equal importance? I don't know the answer. This is a real question. Actually that question is slightly fucked. Sometimes I forget that not everything in life is a competition.

I will return to posting pictures and pointless thoughts tomorrow.

Love, Ella.